One of the most crucial skills we can develop as leaders is the ability to have difficult discussions with compassion and directness. Do you tell that team member that they are underperforming or do you drop hints and compliment others who do terrific work and hope they catch on?

I can think of a time when I had an employee who was doing a terrible job and I avoided him. And I did not have good discussions with him, until it was time for his yearly review, where he received a horrible score and no raise. He was shocked. And I was annoyed that he did not know he did a bad job. But I was not being fair. In my rush to protect myself from difficult discussions, I caused him even more suffering.

This was a situation that called for two types of compassion, or two ways to draw upon compassion. Compassionate directness and fierce self-compassion.

Avoiding difficult discussions may initially seem like the easier path to take, but, it often leads to more misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and negative consequences in the long run. Addressing issues head-on, rather than sweeping them under the rug or dropping subtle hints, is crucial for fostering open and honest communication.

What we need is compassionate directness, This approach involves empowering individuals, whether in professional or personal relationships, to provide feedback, express disagreements, and raise concerns in a constructive manner. By balancing direct communication with compassion, empathy, and understanding, we create a space where difficult conversations can be had with respect and kindness. I first learned of this approach from Arianna Huffington.

Compassion and directness are not mutually exclusive; in fact, they can complement each other beautifully. When delivering feedback, it’s important to consider the recipient’s feelings and choose the most effective method of communication, rather than simply stating the truth bluntly. By acknowledging and embracing our “whole selves,” including our beliefs, values, and emotional experiences, we can create a more empathetic and supportive environment.

Fierce self-compassion plays a crucial role in navigating difficult discussions. By cultivating a sense of self-awareness and acknowledging when we could have handled a situation better, we can approach challenging conversations from a place of equanimity, rather than defensiveness or fear. This mindset allows for growth, learning, and the ability to address issues proactively before they escalate.

Practicing compassionate directness has far-reaching benefits. It not only improves communication, creativity, and risk-taking in the workplace, but also deepens personal relationships and reduces overall suffering. By honing the skills of compassionate directness through practice and self-reflection, we create a culture where feedback is received constructively and acted upon for mutual growth.

If I had been upfront with that ‘bad’ employee, he could have taught me why he was not doing a good job. Perhaps I was unclear with my expectations, perhaps his workload was too much. After all, I was a new boss. By avoiding him, we both lost out. Today, I strive to do so much better, and to do so with compassionate directness, and fierce self-compassion.